Expecting to Lose

I have struggled with who I am, how I am defined. Throughout my life, I would give myself to certain interests and seek to be defined by them; whether it be dinosaurs, football, music, girls or even drugs. I would devote myself to be filled with every tidbit of info I could find about these interests and would find gratification in the search. But I have also felt a common thread through each of these things, I would lose.

Football has been the clearest example of this losing for me. My high school team lost 29 straight games during my career and went on to lose 20 more after I left. To be the captain of that team and to love something as much as I loved football, that hurt. I can't even give words to how it felt to lose so much or how demoralizing it is to think we never had a chance. And to add to this, the team that I gave my attention to, the South Carolina Gamecocks, were perennial underachievers. The first time they ever won a post season game came 100 years into their experiment with football back 1995.

We've flirted with success here and there but only to find our hands empty. After a while, you just expect to lose. I have realized that the one word that best sums up my self-opinion is 'loser.' Football seems small compared to the failed relationships, the drug abuse, practically flunking out of college, and severe depression that became my story.

God has this thing for giving new names. The great persecutor of the early church Saul, rode the meager christian out of town and into death, but God defeated him and gave him a new purpose and a new name, Paul. He would go on to write 2/3's of the New Testament and was almost single-handily responsible for bringing the faith to all of Europe. And yet he never forgot his first name, 'chief of sinners' and because he never forgot, the power of his new name was unsearchably immense.

God is giving me a new name too. Once a loser I now find myself living under the moniker of 'victorious.' Its a hard pill to swallow. Even though I sobered up, made it through college with honors, and have the greatest relationship of my life with my wife, I still am scared that I will lose it all, that I will lose even my new name.

And it was in the midst of this fear and uncertainty that I watched the Gamecocks win a second consecutive baseball national championship. And not just win it, but do it in style. Pulling off near-miraculous plays when all seemed lost, breaking the all-time records for consecutive tournament wins, to do it against near-insurmountable odds like your best player playing with a broken wrist. And best of all, I kept expecting them to lose and I was so wrong.

This team comes from a place that knows nothing of winning. The schools athletics seemed so doomed to lose that the local papers refer to the 'chicken curse' as stifling all the opportunities for victory. But this group of self-proclaim nobodies won in way never seen before. And while most simply enjoyed the spectacle, I was floored with the sprig of hope these gamecocks were bringing me.

I am not destined to lose.

Life has thrown me some wicked curve balls, I've had my share of brokenness but my expectations are changing with my name. I am beginning to believe that I might just win. And that, my friend, is the greatest hope I can imagine.

God, The Beloved Enemy

"Power, success, happiness, as the world knows them, are his who will fight for them hard enough; but peace, love, joy are only from God. And God is the enemy whom Jacob fought there by the river, of course, and whom in one way or another we all of us fight - God, the beloved enemy.  Our enemy becauase, before giving us everything, he demands of us everything; before giving us life, he demands our lives - our selves, our wills, our treasure." -Frederick Buechner

Tonight, on the eve of my 27th birthday, as I dream and worry about the next year of my life, I am faced with the reality of my motives. So often, I disguise my cravings for safety with holy masks that resemble wisdom.  But if I am honest, if I take my mask off, I am rather afraid of tomorrow.  This tormentor of mine, fear, has been wrecking havoc in my soul for far too long. The odd thing is that I am far from being certain just what it is that I fear. Is it failure? Rejection? Pain? Death? Of course it is these things, but it is also something else, something that I cannot name no matter who hard I psychoanalyze myself.

FDR said that the only thing worth fearing is fear itself and he may be quite right.  He said this in the face of the Great Depression, not just an economic disaster, but also a crushing of the nation's collective will.  Roosevelt stood firm in his bootstrap-pulling mentality and demanded that his country not bow to this cowardly enemy called fear. Yet I am afraid that I cannot live up to his level of courage.

The reason FDR cautioned us against giving into the demands of our terrors is that fear is a crippling foe.  It stakes claim over one's decisions and taunts us in the midst of our conflicts.  Fear calls to us to consider what we will lose if we truly turned our back on him.  Fear reminds us that he keeps us safe and illuminates the dangers in our paths. But too many of us know that a path lit by fear is a highway to hell. We put on our blinders and fall in line with the other cattle being led to slaughter. But every so often one of us wakes up and shouts at the top of there lungs, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light."  A clarion call no doubt, a prayer too. Because what do we really have to lose?

Jesus once said that in order to find our life we must first lose it.  In other words, the things we fear the most will be the death of all our fears. Yet Jesus said the goal was death, nothing less, yet in that dying we find life. This is heady stuff. But it is also powerful stuff, words of life even.  And the beautiful thing about these words was that Jesus not only spoke them but He lived them. This is a rare combination today, when what we say actually lines up with what we do, but Jesus was the rare type. He not only took on death itself but all of our fears, failures, insecurities, and mistakes, even our blatant sins and he let them do their worse.  And the funny thing is that he was right all along, he defeated our fears for us, he died for us, for me even.  And it is this rare feat that gives me courage.

The United States rebounded from the Great Depression and emerged not just better, but as the most powerful nation in the world. The people rallied around their leader who had the courage to spit in fear's face and to convince the nation to follow his lead. They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and exceeded their wildest goals. But in our quest to defeat fear, we must first be defeated. We, like the starving masses of the 30's, have right to fear. But we also have a courageous leader who has not only named the enemy but defeated it and has the scars to prove it. His victory did not come through will-power or hard work but through submission, through a God-forsaken cross. And our own way through is through defeat.  But we do not stay down. He did not stay down but got back up again and as the scarred man stumbled forth, he staked his claim over all the lands ruled by death and fear for He now holds the keys. The grave was overcome and we can finally believe Him when He says, "do not be afraid..."

God of Jacob, just as you wrestled Jacob and defeated him, defeat us too. It is not in courage that I overcome fears but in death. So take my life, but I will not let yo go til you bless me, change me, give me a new name and a new life. I have no clue how this happens but let it be. Defeat me Lord so that I may be victorious. Amen