Should

Anyone else ready to give up all their resolutions?

The date is only January 13th and I am already making excuses for my shortcomings. I should not be surprised, this cycle of broken promises is far from new, but each time almost hurts worst than all the previous errors because my failures compound together to form one large witness against me. But for some weird reason, I keep trying, feeble as my efforts may be.

I simply adore Brennen Manning and he knows a thing or two about broken promises. A recovering alcoholic priest (you guess which part he's recovering from), Brennen has fallen off the wagon hard in his life, only to find some morsel of courage large enough to enable him to find his way back on. This morsel he calls "grace." I had the honor to listen to Brennen share his testimony of grace a few years ago and, by God, it changed my life. One quip that stands out to me and I find hard to shake is Brennen's suggestion that we not "should" on ourselves (say it aloud for the full-effect). In essence, throughout our lives we burden ourselves with a list of shoulds, such as, "I should eat 10 servings of vegetables a day," which instead of producing model nutrition creates a sense of worthlessness. I should listen to Brennen more.

This is not to say that we do not create and go after goals, but that we do so not out of obligation but in a joyful play-dance as the beloved of our Father. I know that that last sentence has a hidden "should" in there, because even as I write these words, a sinking feeling develops in my gut that knows how little of what I do is a "joyful play-dance" (whatever that is) but a forced exercise of my duty. And yet, there is a morsel of joy inherent every time I get back up, a sense of grace that even though I have again fallen, I have also again felt a love so amazing that dare not try to explain it.

So, we get back up, joyless as it may seem, because a hope beyond all hope has come to us and made a promise that will never be broken. We get back up, because although there may be little hope in it, we know there is no hope in staying down. We get back up, not because we "should," but because we can.

We get back up.