Identity

The following is an exercise I recently completed in response to reading Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son in which I was to record who I thought I was.  I wrote this in a furious manner without much edit.  Praying throughout, I was honest with my opinion of myself and the results were not so pretty.  The beautiful thing was that while this exercise was intended to only include my own opinion of myself, I laid bare my spirit before God and He rewrote my identity.  I am still struggling with loving myself in the hopes of loving others, but this exercise allowed to face the lies I've bought about myself and to hear God whisper a new name into my ear.

"Michael"

by Michael

I'm not sure I truly even know my own motives.  Nouwen said this about how the "distant land" dehumanizes us. I too feel oddly unknowable even by myself, mostly by myself.  I feel very alone, uncool, unlovable, unneeded.  But most of all, I believe myself to be a loser, a failure.  Everything I have ever given myself to, I have failed to succeed. Sure there were moments of victory but mainly they were speed bumps on the road of defeat.  I am not attractive, I am not smart, I am lazy, self-serving and greedy.  I am lustful, but what saddens me most, ironically, is that I don't care anymore.  I turn off the most special gift given to me, my passion for life, because I am so tired of failing and feeling hurt.  So, I choose simply not to feel at all and miss all the good too.  This kills me and the cycle of self-degradation only intensifies.

"Michael"

by the Father

You are my son, my beloved, on whom my favor rests.  I made you and I love you, always my son, always.  I will never forsake you.  I know your hurt and I know your mistakes too and I forgive you completely.  I love you.  I want you Michael, more than you know; I like you, you are special in my eyes.  I wept when I formed you in your mother's womb, you are so beautiful.  I see myself in you, a fiery passion to live and to love, an earnest desire to be true.  You are victorious, even though you have felt defeat, they were only speed bumps on the path of life.  I have given you a special gift: my love, and with that gift I give you your heart's desire.  So love Michael, because I love you.